Guilt.

Pardon me if I repeat myself, I expect it will happen often.  For the most part, I can't stand to re-read what I have already posted, and as the same feelings and thoughts pop up, I will repeatedly post about the same things.

When Ganon was born, he wasn't breathing.  It took a bit, but then he took some very shallow breaths and gave the weakest, most feeble cries I have ever heard.  They broke my heart they were so pathetic.  It took almost ten minutes before he gave a real cry and they called his time of birth.  He was still blue, but I told myself he wasn't any more purple than the newborns I had seen in informational videos.  I couldn't hold him.  He had to be rushed to the nursery - the hospital here doesn't have a NICU.  My family was waiting in the glass room between surgery/ICU and the nursery, three generations pacing and waiting for news.  They watched the nurses literally run past with a tiny blue baby and they follow as fast as they can.  They hovered around the nursery door and watched them start inserting tubes and attaching wires.  As the pediatrician stepped out, my mother asked "Will he be okay?".

"I don't know."



I know I did everything right.  I never smoked.  I rarely had caffeine.  During my pregnancy, I cut out preservatives, lunch meats, high fructose corn syrup, and junk food.  I took my vitamins.  I had a total of 19 cans of soda during my entire pregnancy - the only caffeine I had.  I ate healthy, I rested, I played Mozart through headphones around my belly.  I still wonder if there is something else I could have done.  Should I have slept on my right side instead of my left?  Should I have exercised more?  Less?  What did I do to cause this?

I know this guilt is misplaced, that there is nothing I could have done better and if I hadn't done everything I did, he likely wouldn't have made it at all.  "It would have been a tragedy." as the OB put it. 

He still has coughing fits sometimes while he's eating.  Every time, my heart drops and my mind races.  Will he start breathing again?  Will the coughs turn to silence?  Is he getting enough air?  Do I have enough space to start CPR if he stops breathing?  Will the guilt ever subside?